what next? what now?

Wow … what a whirlwind few days of comments and messages and therapy and celebrations and presents and thinking and deciding it’s been, since celebrating 365 days alcohol free on Monday, my full (leap) year on Tuesday, and the start of something new on Wednesday. And of course, pizza and ice cream and AF beer and also a rainbow of vitamins through fruit and vegetables.

So what next? Well, first of all, let’s look back. The most useful time to look back is to see how far we've come.

I became a certified business and life coach around October 10th, 2019. Within a week, I’d set up a new company as a professional coach (ticking the wrong box, inadvertently accepting to be considered like someone who’d earn in the 200-300 THOUSAND euros a year, oops). I’d had three weeks off the booze in the September as I was writing my accreditation dissertation, although I had two or three “cheat days” in that period. I decided I needed some of that AF firepower back to help me kickstart the business. I initially signed up for a 28 day challenge, October 20th 2019. Within the first three weeks there were enough positive changes to make me want to extend it – it wasn’t easy, and I was still smoking and vaping my head off, but it was kind of exciting, making (and eating) ALL the flapjacks, cleaning things, I think I even may have gone for a run (that didn’t last long!!), starting to feel my emotions a bit more clearly, feeling a few pink clouds pass my way and grabbing onto them for dear life. I did a little work on the business, but did most of my work in the group, the “tribe” – more reading and commenting than actual posting myself, leaving little nuggets of wisdom (!), encouragement or compassion for people, according to what they appeared to be asking for or needing. And some posts. I was finding my voice, and my people.

So, I extended my challenge, from a 28 day challenge to a 90 day challenge (I’ve just checked my records, apparently I waited until Day 28 to do it – almost certainly waiting for a last-minute discount, which I duly got! My mama taught me well!!). I realised that 90 days after October 20th, that took me past Christmas. Past New Year’s Eve. And I extended anyway. Not because I wasn’t scared (I was! Not necessarily that I’d “fail” and drink alcohol, but that it would be hard …), but because I wanted to know, to prove to myself that I could do it. I could celebrate Christmas and New Year without alcohol. I was starting to feel the exhilaration of the adventure – YES the challenging aspects were hard. There were times when I didn’t know what to do with myself, where I had too much energy, or too much sadness, or too much anger, and it wasn’t easy just *having* it all. Sitting with it, not being able to drink it away (there is a post coming on this soon), it was definitely a learning curve!! But I was starting to see what people were talking about – the magic that comes in waves.

By my Day 40, there was a monster Black Friday sale. I said fuck it – in for a penny, in for a pound. I signed up there and then to extend my 90-day challenge to a 365 one. If I can do Parisian punk bar birthdays with no alcohol, if I can do Christmas and NYE and the General Election and Brexit with no alcohol … I can bloody well do it for a full-on year, and see what comes of it. What’s the worst that can happen, eh? (2020 … you weren’t supposed to take that as a personal challenge!!!)

So I got through all that. I quit smoking, I figured out my gender identity, I did the coming out, I did the hard conversations. I survived covid-19, I survived imploding and exploding friendships and relationships. I survived quitting smoking and I survived the financial worries. I survived my aunt’s death and my dad’s diagnosis and my feeling a little lost and a lot locked down. I did a lot of thriving as well as surviving, and had the helpful reframing that I was getting through all that (and more) BECAUSE I wasn’t boozing or smoking, not DESPITE not boozing or smoking.

Then around Day 300, I started getting the itchy feeling, wondering what I’d do after 365. There were no more paid-for challenges that went beyond that. OH GOD. What do I DO? Do I even attempt to think about moderating? Do I say “that’s it, I’m done forever”? Do I go back to being pissed and passive and procrastinatory (lol I still do a LOT of procrastinating, but it’s all about progress not perfection, right?!)? OH GOD. I didn’t want to waste the next 2+ months of my journey by thinking ahead to what I’d be doing afterwards, so I made a commitment to myself that I would not go back to alcohol for at least 500 days. That felt more accessible than a full second year, and “never” feels like a word we should never say (never, whatever we do). It worked, and I really only started spinning out about the whole 365 OMG 365 OMG 365 thing around day 350, so honestly, I’m OK with that.

And now that I’m on the other side of that big landmark of 365? Now that I have a full year-ring on my insides, so even if someone cuts me open in 50 years when I’ve repickled myself into the bottom of a bottle of champagne (after getting rich off of telling my story and having Joanna Lumley play adult me in the TV movie of my life), even if THAT happens … I’ll always have this AF ring inside me. And I’ll have the things I’ve learned and the things I’ve done and the things I’ve not done. But I’ll also have a thicker ring than that, because I’ve committed (to myself, and now to you) to a full renewal of the series. Bring on Season Two, bitches – there have been SO many plot twists in this first season, and SO much character development, and SO many new faces being introduced … how could I not be excited for a full second season?!

As many of you know, diversity and inclusion matter to me very dearly. I think the sober world needs to amplify more voices – not to shut out those of the runners and the yogis and the juicers, but to bring others up to the same level. Think of how far the message can be spread if we’re singing with a full fucking choir, rather than just the prettiest twinkliest sopranos and the deepest strongest basses? Let’s buy more mics, and build a bigger stage.

So that’s what I’ll be doing next, and that’s what I’m doing now. I’m still working on my coaching business, developing plans and projects. Working on finding ways to include more and more faces and voices, to bring in more mics, and to get that stage extension done in a safe, sustainable and sound way. I’m writing my book. I’m teaching. I’m riding my bike and doing my therapy work and washing my hands and wearing my mask. And I’m excited to see what this next new year will bring - for me, and for you.

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